Kathy's Blog

June 4, 2010

Father's Day

June 20th is Father’s Day. How I miss my dad who passed away several years ago. We were very close and did everything together as I grew up – took walks, did household fixes, cared for the many pets that came and went through our household, laughed, cried, and knew we loved one another.

Men play an important role in our children’s lives. Whether they are father, grandfather, uncle, brother, or close family friend, they all mean a lot to our children. While many children don’t askabout their birth father until they are much older, birth fathers are and will always be a part of their children’s lives. How we explain these relationships is significant.

I have watched my daughters develop relationships with their dad, grandfather, older brother, and other male figures. I have helped them come to terms with information about their birth families, as well. Each relationship is a bit different, so each had to be thought through. I also see how those relationships have influenced my daughters’ choice of boyfriends and male chums.

Even though many children seem to turn to their mothers for daily care and emotional support, especially when young, the guys are not far behind. Many fathers and male figures play an important and increasingly pivotal role in caring for their children, teaching life’s lessons, and providing emotional support and guidance.

On this Father’s Day, let’s send a shout out to all the dads who are involved, a nudge to those who are not, and a little education to those who still don’t see how important they are in raising their children.

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May 1, 2010

Mother's Day

Dear Moms and Moms-to-Be,

May 9th is Mother’s Day. May 8th is Birth Mother's Day. For some of us, this is a day to look adoringly at our bundles of joy, watch toddlers race through the park, keep up with activities of young children, or track the whereabouts of our teens. For others who long for a child or have made an adoption plan, Mother’s Day brings the yearning for parenthood to new heights.

For many years, I had moments of doubt when I thought I would never be a mom. I wanted to hide or bury my head in the sand when “family” holidays rolled around. I was lucky that my family and friends understood my quietness or withdrawal and that I sometimes skipped an event altogether. I was also there for them as they struggled through fertility treatments. Together we joyfully celebrated the homecoming of my daughters, and the arrival of their children by birth and adoption. No matter how they arrived, they were all part of our larger extended family.

Mother’s Day is also a time when birth mothers and grandmothers think about the children they may not see on a regular basis, or a child they have lost contact with. Distance does not mean you don’t wonder or yearn for information on how they are doing. Hearing from children can bring consolation and sadness at the same time.

The Jewish saying L’Dor Vador means “from generation to generation.” So on this Mother’s Day, as we reflect back on our upbringing and relationships with our own mothers and our decisions regarding parenting, we pass the baton to the new generation. I wish all of you a day of hope, dreams, and comfort.

Kathy

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January 15, 2010

The Language We Use When Talking About Adoption

Each of us has a unique perspective on adoption. Some see it as a one-time event in the life of a child; others as an ongoing and evolving process in the life of a family. Our perception can affect the thoughts and actions of those “touched by adoption.”

Let’s talk about an important subject that is not always addressed: the language we use when talking about adoption. Phrases like “natural parents,” “real” families, or “being put up for adoption” don’t sit well with me, nor do I feel they tell the full story.

Guess what? I am my child’s “real” mother. I was there when she was sick, tired, hungry, scared, happy, giggling, crying, learning to walk, running, jumping, and fighting with her sister. But you know what? Her birth mother is also her “real” mother. Her birth mother had the presence of mind to give life to a child whom she knew in her heart she could not raise. She took care of herself to make sure my daughter had a good start. She was strong and loving in a way I hoped I could be. I know some of you are uncomfortable with this. You feel the word “real” mother (or father) belongs only to you, the day-to-day parent.

As my daughters grew older, I realized that the terms they used for this “other mother,” “birth mother,” “lady whose tummy I was in,” or “first mother” made me less and less nervous. As each day passed and our relationship deepened, we (my daughters and I) understood who we were to one another. It was the same with their father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.

So, language is important in forming a perception of adoption, but the depth of our relationship with our children is forged by our understanding of their needs and the ability to maintain an ongoing, open discussion of their backgrounds, identities, fears, hopes, and dreams. These are the “real” issues that should concern us. When I was adopting, the song “Somewhere Out There” was a biggie. I remember humming it at night and looking up at the stars. I believed that my child or children were out there and just hadn’t found me yet. My first daughter came home in 1987. Her sister joined us in 1991. They found me, and I was ready for them. Some of you have already been found. Others are still waiting. Rest assured, your children will find you, too.

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